The Voice in My Head

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We all have a voice in our head that talks to us continually. I named mine Benny a few years ago. (Don’t ask me why)

He’s always there. He talks way too much. He’s one of those people that waits to talk instead of listening to you first.

Sometimes I wish I could fire his ass and get a new one but I’m stuck with him. It’s Me, Benny and then you have the world.

He’s like my mother, he’s always right. He warns me every time I’m about to do something stupid. When I don’t listen I pay the price, and believe me (unlike my mother) he’s going to say “I told you so”. He’s such a butthead.

Benny decides whether I’m confident or not. He decides if I feel beautiful. He decides whether I like myself. He determines my spiritual, my emotional and my physical well-being.

I have always chose to remove negative people in my life or at least keep them at arm’s length. The problem is, I have no choice when it comes to him. Benny is riding along in my brain and in my consciousness no matter if I want him there or I don’t.

One day Benny was torturing me because I thought I had hurt someone’s feelings the night before. I sent them a text message and for hours they didn’t respond.

Benny kept making me doubt myself. He had me questioning my entire existence. When I finally heard from this person it was no big deal, my friend hadn’t thought anything about the situation. My friend was simply unable to respond for a few hours.

I was mad at myself for overthinking that situation and for those grueling hours that I can never get back. I was sick and tired of these type things happening and Benny was always the messenger of this torture.

Me: “WHY DO I ALLOW YOU TO DO THIS TO ME BENNY? Why are you always making me overthink things? Why do you let people (or myself) make me doubt my own heart? Why do you have me question so many things when I know the truth? Are you my friend or my foe?

Benny: You called me a butthead. You’re the butthead. You’re too hard-headed to truly realize that you are the one feeding me all of these thoughts. You chose to be self-aware and to be responsible for all of your actions with no justification for anything shitty, but you still doubt your own heart.

Me: Simma down there Benny, that’s kind of crude!

Benny: I’m just trying to get through that thick skull of yours that I want to encourage you, be your voice of confidence, of reason and resolve. I am your infant so to speak. You feed me, nurture me and teach me to talk. You are the one that tells me exactly what to say. I only repeat it. If you don’t like what I’m saying, you simply have to change the message and I will change the words.

Me: OK, how can I change the message? I’ve thought about it and I can’t seem to come up the answer. It’s not that easy.

Benny: It’s not easy because you care what others think or what they might say. You are the only one that truly knows your heart, your intent, your strength and your weaknesses. Correct?

Me: Correct

Benny: When you know this and truly accept it as being true, why do you let the actions of others make you doubt those things? You know that most people want you to feel great about yourself but there are many that will always try to convince you of things that you know are not true about you. AGREE?

Me: Yessssssss

Benny: So quit feeding me garbage and I’ll quit throwing up on you. Deal????

Me: uh……..Deal. Oh, and thank you butthead..I mean Benny.

Benny: You’re welcome asshole!

 

By: Paul Shuler

August 2015

 

 

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